Fickle Dreams.

For those that don’t know me well, I’m a very fickle person; I change my mind constantly. I never stick to anything, I quit everything, and I never go through with plans that I make for myself. I’m one of those people that writes a million lists or plan out my time to the minute, and never follow them. I lose the lists, or simply disregard any plan that I made the night before.
I’d like to think that it’s a good thing – I’d like to tell  myself that at least my life will never be boring and that I’ll try a bunch of different things. But if you look at it realistically, I’m just an unreliable quitter who is hard to please.

I’ve started two courses since leaving high school – one a university degree in community welfare or something. I can’t even remember what it was. That didn’t last. I hated going to Melbourne every day, especially seeing as it was a two hour train ride from the country. It just wasn’t ideal. Plus, my heart just wasn’t in it. I felt like I was doing it just to simply ‘do something.’
Next I studied to be a counsellor. I actually stuck at this one… for a year. Yep, quit this one too.
See, I have this crazy dream of traveling the world and helping people – sounds cliche, right? But that’s what I want to do. I planned to study psychology and then go on to help women in third world countries. It was empowering and made me feel like I was going to do something important, you know?
I also felt pressure from certain people to go to uni and study and get a degree and prove my intelligence to them. I was told over and over again that I’d go no where, and be a no one if I didn’t do something with my education. So I signed up for this course.
After a year I lost interest – I stopped going to lectures, and stopped worrying about marks. Believe it or not, when I stopped caring, I got better scores.
Anyway, I quit. Well, I deferred my second year, which means I can go back to it next year if I want, but I probably won’t.

Instead of studying I’ve been working part time at a local magazine editing and reporting for a small community. It sparked an interest in journalism and ever since I’ve been seeking work in a similar field. Silly me though, expecting to land a good journalism job without a degree, right?
So I considered going to uni and studying journalism – sounds logical, despite already having a small student loan. But then as I’m looking into it I start to doubt myself. What if I’m not actually that good at writing? I work for a community magazine where I write stories about the local market, or a new bus service. Okay, I must admit, I did go to a press conference with the Prime Minister, not gonna’ lie, it was pretty awesome.
But I’m not a journalist. I have no skills or ability – I write a blog that’s lucky to get 100 views per post, and fluff stories for a small town. I’m nervous when I have to interview people, and I have no confrontation skills. They say to be a journalist you have to be prepared to get the story – to get in the middle of things and get what you need. “Grab the bull by the balls” as they say in the movie Never Been Kissed. I’m more of a, “approach the bull cautiously and run if it sees you” kind of person.
I’m not cut out for this. I’m applying for every newspaper job that comes up and I have no idea why.

I think I like to convince myself I’m good at something. I have no degrees, no talent or skills; I think I like to tell myself that I’m a good writer. Then I read over my work and realise I have nothing special. I don’t have some great way with words that I should get out into the world. It’s depressing, if I’m honest.
I have no real interests or passion for anything. Some people are so passionate and good at things and are able to create a career out of it. Some people know exactly what they want to do and who they want to be in life, and they make it happen.
I have no idea what I want to be or what I want to do. And even though I’m only twenty and people say, “you have plenty of time to figure it out”, I can’t help but thinking I’m wasting my time. I’m working part time, living at home, spending my spare time wondering what I should do with myself. It’s driving me insane.
I feel like no matter what I start, I’m never going to be passionate about it, and the things that I am passionate about like art and writing and animals, aren’t going to make me money.
Despite all this, I’m now looking into going to TAFE to study Business Administration. It’s something that will always get me some kind of work, and I have some experience in it. Plus, it’s available pretty much anywhere, including out here in the good ol’ country.

I’m not scared that I won’t get a job as there’s always somewhere that will hire – supermarkets, fast food places, etc. I’m scared that’s what I’ll be stuck doing for the rest of my life, and not because I’m not smart enough/capable to do better things, but because I just can’t decide what those better things are.
I’m scared that I’ll always quit things, and end up with a resume full of different jobs that lasted two months.
I’m also scared that I’m going to be a no one, that does nothing and goes no where, like that person said.
I have dreams to travel the world and see every single place – it’s my biggest, and possibly the only dream I have. But I need a better dream than that, right? I need to strive for something realistic – something that I can base my life on. I just have no idea what that is, and it scares the hell out of me.

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